Merge-Matic Books

Our contributions are at the end. Enjoy!

From the Washington Post Invitational contest, which calls them Merge-Matic Books:
Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb.

Second Runner-Up: "Machiavelli's The Little Prince"
Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.

First Runner-Up: "Green Eggs and Hamlet"
Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.

And the Winner of the Dancing Critter: "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities"
An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.

Honorable Mentions:

"Where's Walden?"
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.

"Catch-22 in the Rye"
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.

"2001: A Space Iliad"
The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.

"The Maltese Faulkner"
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

"Jane Eyre Jordan"
Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.

"Looking for Mr. Godot"
A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooong wait.

"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter"
An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.

"Lorna Dune"
An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for thedaughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.

"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal"
A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.

"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"
Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!"until he is finally stopped by a windmill.

"Singing in the Black Rain"
A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the crap out of Gene Kelly.

"Of Three Blind Mice and Men"
Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath"
An astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.

"Paradise Lost in Space"
Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2 annoying children.

"The Exorstentialist"
Camus' psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

"Gone with the Wind in the Willows"
The merry antics of Mole, Rat, Badger and Mr. Toad as they burn a swathe of destruction through Georgia during the American Civil War.

"Heart of Dave Barry Turns 50"
Dave Barry takes a dark but humorous journey to visit his god-like doctor to have his prostate examined. In the office he nearly succumbs to the cold sterile atmosphere of the examining room but he escapes after killing his doctor. He then takes us on a sharp-witted tour of Disney World.

Our Contributions:

"The Hound of the D'urbervilles"
A quiet British town is terrorized by a rabid dog searching for freedom of expression. (Al)

"The Shadow over Hotel New Hampshire"
Follows the lives of a dysfunctional family until they are destroyed by an evil spirit. (Dan)

"The Rising Sun also Rises"
An old gaijin teaches a new rookie how to bullfight in Tokyo. (Dan)

"The Diary of Anne Faust"
Poignant autobiography of an adolescent girl who makes a deal with the Devil to stomp some pig-fucking NAZI skulls. (Jogen)

"On the Road Ahead"
Jack Kerouac and Bill Gates cruise Rte 66 musing on life, drugs and the freedom to innovate. (Dan)

A middle-aged school teacher wakes up one day as a flirty young girl. (Dan)

"See Moby Dick run."
In a freak nuclear accident genetic anomalies teach children about relationships and friends. (Jogen)

"The Canterbury Tales of Two Cities"
A medieval monk, trapped in a time warp ends up in Dickensian London. (Al)

"The Lord of the Flies over the Cucko's nest"
Join Piggy, Ralph and Jack, when after thier return to civilization, they are sentenced to join Chief and Randle Patrick McMurphy in a zany iconoclastic look at Western Mental Health Care. (Al)

"The old man and the beach"
Leonardo Di Caprio's paradise is ruined after meeting a crotchety old fisherman on a deserted island. (Al)

"Snowcrash falling on Cedars"
A young Japanese woman, trapped in a racist midwestern town, is saved by a Afro-Japanese would be samurai and a psycho eskimo with a glass knife. (Al)

"Ender's Games People Play"
THE definitive self-help book for the terminally virtual. (Al)

"The Princess Bride of Frankenstein"
See how Andre the Giant is brought back from the almost dead in this classic sequel. (Al)

"Sewer, Gas and Electric Boogaloo"
The fate of the African Lemur is in the hands, and feet, of two inner city youths as they battle corporate greed on the dancefloor. (Dan)

"Dr. Zhivago's Wake"
Love story of a necrophiliac doctor in Dublin during the Bolshevik Revolution's expansionist days (across Scandinavia via Serbia headed for Iceland) told in inscrutable narrative style. (Jogen)

"The Adolescence of SV/1"
Artificial morality is created in Silicon Valley in the form of Bill Gates. After the government destroys Bill Gates, Steve Jobs gets mysterious emails... (Ken)

"Fear and Loathing in Last of the Mohicans"
Hunter S. Thompsom and his Injun lawyer fill a covered wagon with drugs and journey to the heart of the American West. (Jogen)

Thrown out as ideas, but not completed:
"Titus Andromeda Strain" (Al)
"The Portrait of The Artist as a Lady Dorian Gray" (Al)