My Onion story for today 12/13/2000

Washington, D.C. -- The long fight is over. The U.S. Supreme Court today awarded custody of America to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, ending an 18 month-long battle. Gore was tearful as he left the courtroom, escorted by his partner Bill Clinton, who had his arm around Gore. Experts agreed that the hard feelings would last, but that a stable environment was best for America. The uncertainty over who would get custody had been affecting America's attention-span and grades in school.

Clinton and Gore had been awarded custody in 1992 when George H.W. Bush and Dan Quayle were ruled unfit. There was an attempt by an outsider (Bob Dole) to intervene in 1996, but the effort was summarily dismissed.

"It's just not fair. America has grown and prospered with me and Bill." Gore said at a press conference after the ruling was announced. "America's supposed to go back to the Bush family? They don't even know America anymore. They're strangers."

Bush's father saw today's ruling as a vindication. "Of course we're ecstatic. Very happy. Can't wait to get to work." He vowed to help out " an advisory way. If America is half as willful as it used to be, George will need all the help he can get."

Bill Clinton was disappointed: "Well of course I'm disappointed. America is very special to me. I've been wayward, but I have pledged to make things right if given the chance. That chance was denied us today."

America may be in for a bit of culture shock. "The free ride is over. There will be discipline and attention to detail. Sacrifices will be necessary. This will build character" said Dick Cheney, widely considered the sterner of the pair.

The U.S. Supreme Court's order reversed a lower court order that America be asked it's preference. Bush had argued that there wasn't enough time to accomplish this before school started in January. "We have to register for school, buy clothes, school supplies, tanks, the list is endless." Bush said.